Normally, I would not be posting a movie review until the day of the week regularly scheduled for such, but wanting to spare anyone who reads this the expense of wasting money on something absolutely terrible, I decided not to wait. So, here it is: my toned-down criticism of what may possibly go down in history as the absolute worst movie ever made, the latest Noah’s Ark movie, simply titled Noah:
A fool and his money are soon parted. Apparently, we have been hearing this message for a fairly long time, since it first appeared in the writings of Dr. John Bridge in 1587.
So, with this in mind, my family and I should have known better, having heard several reviews – and none of them favorable – from sources we considered reliable. But, loving Noah, being fascinated with the story of the Ark, and hoping that these other Christians were just a tad heavy on the judgmental side, we decided to see for ourselves and form our own, ostensibly fair, opinion.
Let me just tell you that if ever an evangelical atheist set out to separate Christians from their money with a reasonable expectation of exploiting Bible beliefs and a really great and well-loved Bible story for as much profit as possible, while yielding nothing of real or lasting value (except, of course, to underscore the idea that a fool and his money truly ARE soon parted), this was definitely the time.
My husband and our daughter said that a better title for this little fiasco might have been “Lord of the Flood” since the Biblical Noah had nothing to do with the one shown on screen. My daughter continued, “If you just lowered the lights a little and added some dark music, it could have been a horror movie.” My husband replied, “IT WAS A HORROR MOVIE. YOU COULDN’T TELL BY LOOKING WHO THE GOOD GUYS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE.”
To be honest, except for the story, the screen-writing, the script, the acting, the sets, and the cinematography, I could tell you that this latest Noah movie was great. NOT!!!! My husband said that he had hoped that we would at least enjoy some amazing special effects. But even that proved disastrously disappointing. He added, “The only thing the movie got right was some of the names of the key characters.” And my daughter said, “From now on, I’m calling this movie George. Because it had nothing to do with Noah!”
Although the movie did do our ancestors the credit of portraying them with some metal-working and other technical skills that I expected to be either absent or deeply discounted, in keeping with the producers’ and director’s complete contempt for the accuracy of the Biblical account, the ark portrayed on the big screen was little more than a flimsy birds’ nest of tarred-together logs and sticks. There were no separate cages or stalls for the various animals, and no luxury suites appointed with the best accommodations that could be built over a 100-120-year construction time-line. I feel incredibly insulted that those who choose not to believe the Bible actually think that Christians could be so stupid and gullible. How any thinking person could ever believe in an ocean-going vessel like the pitiful one portrayed here is way beyond my thinking abilities.
Before I conclude, I will let you in on a little (ok, maybe huge) prejudice I brought with me to the theatre. In fact, I carry it everywhere, and if there was a cure, I would not care to try it: I am incredibly in love with dinosaurs. (This is probably because I have never had to pay for their pet chow, or visits to the vet’s office! Or paid to have my garden re-built after one escaped from a neighbor’s yard.) I have watched, and continue to seek out and view any movie that has dinosaurs in it. By this point, I have most of the dialogues from each of the Jurassic Park movies memorized, and even now will watch them again if I can get away with it. So, coming to the movie with the prejudice DINOSAURS GOT ON THE ARK, THEN AFTER THE FLOOD DINOSAURS GOT OFF THE ARK, I was a little nervous, telling myself over and over, “Don’t freak out if you don’t see dinosaurs on the ark, or even anywhere on land, either.” However – with only one notable exception, plus a couple of meat-slaughtering scenes, which were gruesome – we didn’t see any animals of any kind at all until right before boarding time. BORING!!!!!
Compared to this pitiful production, I have to say that the movie Evan Almighty, which starred Steve Carell (whom I both love and hate as an actor), was about a trillion times better, and if anyone wants to see anything remotely related to Noah’s Ark on the big screen, produced by big names and big money, please choose the Carell movie. You are much less likely to be disappointed, although to be perfectly honest, Evan Almighty is not terribly accurate by anyone’s account. But it is, at least, sympathetic to the Biblical original. And that is what was sorely lacking in this recent production.
During any number of previous movie-viewing experiences, I have often been known to antagonize friends and family who happen to accompany me to the theatre by insisting on sitting through every name and listening to every musical note of the credits that run at the end of the film. But not this time. Not only was I the first person to rocket out of my chair as soon as the last scene (which was the perfect anti-climax for a very flat film) mercifully ended, to save time I had left the theatre mid-movie, confident that the needs of my bladder far out-weighed any good I may have received from committing myself to the complete movie until its conclusion.
The most accurate description I am able to give of this movie is that it is both corrupted, and corrupting: a total departure from everything the Bible has to say about Noah and his story. Not only do I believe that this movie will be a disappointing and corruptive influence on anyone who happens to see it, I fear that it has also been a source of corruption for anyone associated with any part of its production. I fear for these unfortunate people, and they are in my prayers.
On the way home from the theatre, we made a stop to purchase some last-minute school supplies for my daughter, and while she and my husband were in the store, they also bought a container of cotton candy “to wash the awful bad taste of that movie from our mouths!” they said.
We got home well past our normal preparing-for-bed time. That, however, did not stop my son from begging me to read him a story about heaven “to wash more of that awful movie out of my mind, please, Mom!!!”
Need I say more?
Gwennon – specialcreationwoman